Thoughts of life

Hi there!

Long time ago. Need to write something down now. Have gone through some lessons again...

Today I got kind of panic attaque, and feeling of being choked. Like someone is squeezing your throat and you can't breath. Just because these descisions you're making are so difficult and complex and neither option feels like 100% GO!

Why cant I just be settled like normal people? I ask this question but I think I really shouldn't. I should ask myself: Who are these 'normal people'? Do they really exist? Who decided it is 'normal' to be settled down? And who decided at what age you should do so? Maybe you have answers to these questions. But is it important? Isn't it more important that you can decide whose expectations are ruling your life right now? Is it your family or co-workers or friends? Or your own expectations about your own life? What makes you feel good, what gives energy and what makes you want to wake up tomorrow again? If you don't have the answers, I also don't have them for myself right now.

The world is not that it was 50 years ago. We all have this picture of grandma who settled down and stay forever in the same city in the same house full of memories. Today, the possibilities are endless. Of course life is not perfect but you can make it perfect for you.

Sometimes, I do my rocking chair test. I close my eyes and see myself at 80 years old. What did I miss in my life? What should I have done? It’s seems easy but it’s really hard to do this and see all what I’ve missed with no possibility of going back in time. This should guide you for the future. Have no regret of what you will do of your life. Live it with passion. Like that, your rocking chair test will be full of good memories.

I just try to live day by day, no planning in the future, concentrate on my wellbeing at this moment. I try not let people lay pressure on me. It is my life. It is also my nervous break down, my responsibility for myself and LET THIS breakdown, these questions, this struggle just BE. If I fight instead of accept, it will take longer and cost more.

Someone told me the other day: lots of people want to clean themselves of all issues they have, and think when that happens they can really start living. But most issues will never go away, like lots of questions won't be answered, because these issues often are a part of who you are as a person. It's a matter of quitting to fight against who you are, also against sides of you that you consider to be less welcome or difficult to handle or whatever. It's all part of you.

When you fully accept who you are, including your doubts and struggles, then these doubts and struggles and other issues are being recognised, and only then can they evolve and grow and clear up or become less painful. My point is, I shouldn’t t judge myself for struggling through choices. I think I don't lack anything if I decide not to settle down. These are difficult choices. But I will remember that life IS short, I only live it once and I DON'T need to live it according to other people's standards. It's all relative and temporal.

I guess this is getting long and drawn out. I got to go for what makes me happiest, and If I want it bad enough anything is possible.